Hermit Days...we all have them and we are okay

I go in periods where I surrender myself at home. I do not have the desire to connect to people on messenging or on the phone -- I want to be a ghost. I'll entertain myself with sketching, reading or creating something that is unique -- perhaps sleep, then wake up after a few hours still feeling like I didn't accomplish everything that I am destined to accomplish for the day - something is always not finished.

Hmmm, do I or any of us really exist? Well, I think I'm alive, I think I still exist, I know I'm breathing and I'm tangible. But who can prove the truth of that when people don’t see or hear from you? Are you actually alive? Perhaps it's the same - If we have no contact with the outside world, is it the same as not existing. So does that mean I like not existing?

Heh, then I can easily rationalize that I am walking the fine line of sanity with a dash of insanity.

It’s defintitely an experience, actually, to feel like a ghost -- when I'm walking through my home as the sun is rising, sunlight barely filtering from the blinds which makes my vision blurred, swaying a bit because I am not fully awake. I don't feel nervousness, panic, happiness or sadness -- nothing --just a neutral twinge of habit. Just like a newborn -- you rest your weary bones on your bed as night falls, then suddenly, you watch the moonlight rise and shine and you feel archaic nostalgia as if you’re remembering the world when it actually began. You feel wise, and all-knowing, yet possibly not alive.

Even when I go out alone, many times I walk through crowds and I feel invisible as if they don’t see you at all. Am I really alive?

I don't long for what many others do - warmth, comfort, or love. In turn, I don’t tire myself from experiencing the emptiness of some emotion. Am I just selfish and want to not have to experience what many do with emotions? Is it easier to remove emotions and then we have no expections of others, just myself.

I am a friend of solitude and melancholia. I like to sit in the shadows, observing the miracle of this world watching it go by, and I feel omnipotent -- almost like a god.

And just like that, I am affirmed that it’s all right to go on my hermit days. It's ok being alone -- away from the world. For myself, anyway. I exhibit unexplainable behavior if I am kept from my alone time.

For the life of me, I don’t even know why I’m designed this way -- that I need time apart from this constantly mingling, constantly talking ecosystem of temporary bonds and sometimes superficial happiness.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I am so fortunate and honored that I get to experience and communicate with individuals who are built differently than I am. I see the smiles and pleasantries involved in dialogue and they are completely happy and content. I thank my friends and loved ones who show me their worlds.

And now, as I sit here as midnight approaches, with the silence for company in the background, and I realize how it pleases me to be alone. I do get a sense of a god-like complex. I get a better hold of myself, my feelings, my thoughts -- and I am finally be able to just enjoy the quiet that I seek after a day full of experiences that create us. It’s not even the "loser-kind" of being alone. I actually thrive when I am left alone. I get peace from the warm and bountiful silence -- and I'm okay, always okay whether I am existing or ultimately, not existing.